It’s getting bad again

.. or did it ever leave?

The nightmare’s here again; maybe it’s not really nightmare since it happened already. Am not really sure what is it, but with this trembling hands and blurry thoughts, I’m trying to make a pact with it by saying that it’s universe showing me what I’ve been trying to avoid all this time. For what? 5 stages of grief; they said. Feel what you need to feel, acceptance, get over it; they taught. But to what extend do I need to try.. Years has passed, and with every month goes by; I managed to check another item from the list. A list of why to be faraway from me would be a good idea.

She asked, “If anything is possible in this world, what’s one thing that you’d think would help you right now?” I kept silent, my now-half-empty-vision is talking back in my head, I wouldn’t dare to hope on something that is impossible. But what would really help me? I was ruminating on the answers for the past few weeks, and decided to come up with an answer, perhaps it is to be back in our happy little bubble. To feel the lightness, once again. Yet this past few days, the answer shifted, the checklist, the countless scene (scenarios in my nightmares, but it really did happened in reality), reminds me of it; I’m something good to hold but never to keep. Maybe instead, what would really help me right now is to be held by Kakek, far far away from all of these dreams, and anxiety. Looking at how things works out just fine, in a larger spectrum than life; looking at the earth, as a tiny dimmed star, just like how you once wish for me.